100 / 101 - ?

What the hell, Blogspot?
I was really looking forward to my 100th post cos I had been on 99 for a while. I was gonna make my 100th a good one.
Then out of the blue, you decide to bump up my post count by 1 without me even posting anything? AND it hasn't gone away, either. So there goes my milestone. Whatever. I'm over it.
:'(



Okay so I've been thinking about this for quite a while lately. Not that I'm a generally depressing person, but I've had random bouts of, "I seriously want to kill myself" over the course of the past year or so that I quickly get over, then get back under in a few weeks. Of course, I'm like, "I don't have the courage to do that," and alas, I'm still here.
So as I've been walking the streets on my lonesome with my iPod blaring whatever 90s pop songs I resurrect, I think to myself, "What can I do to speed up this death process?"
Oh, I know! I'll put my iPod up even louder and hope that I get hit by a car! Or maybe I could just not put knives back where they belong, or stand to close to the edge of a mighty big fall, or piss off someone with a gun. Then surely it wouldn't be my fault and be written off as suicide, more like a construed 'wrong-place-wrong-time' kind of situation?

But who am I to control destiny? Is destiny even real? Perhaps, perhaps not. Perhaps philosophy time.
I don't necessarily want to kill myself, I mean I do think about it sometimes, cos on the whole, my lfie is pretty unimpressive and crapola. I don't want to be that kid that was labelled as a selfish attention seeker cos he talked about killing himself, then killed himself. I can't have people saying bad things about me when I'm dead.
So I'll change the course of my DD (death destiny, of course!), set up a system of ropes and pulleys and orchestrate my own demise to shift the blame on to someone or something else. That should clear my corpse's conscience.

What am I saying? I am never going to do that.

If I were talented, I'd write songs

Too bad I have next to no talent in the writing realm. Ever since I've been doing poetry in Literature, lyric-writing has crossed my mind, but to save myself the embarrassment, I shan't try.

Speaking of school stuff, I really should be doing a bunch of it right now, but - who cares? I know I won't be saying that come November when exams come around, and I'm very foolish for choosing to disregard it now. I've done nothing tonight but watch Family Guy, Pushing Daisies, 30 Rock, get fish and chips and Facebook. I did a half a page of my Media folio, too. Wow, when you stack the evening's events up together, you can tell my night really was wasted.

Now then, "Why does John need to write songs?" I hear you ask. Well, John is a self-involved little boy whose seldom-updated and backlotted online blog isn't enough self-indulgence and feels that music would help him convey his emotions to a minority of people who care and a majority who don't. I think that as I've matured I can analyze my feelings a little better and figure out what's happening around me more straightforward (there's those Lit classes working for me once more).
I think 'maturing' was a poor word to use there, since I'm just about to delve into the fact that I think I've changed and become less mature lately. I've become more crass, less sensitive, and all-round, more unpleasant. At least, that's how I'd view myself from a third-person standpoint. But why? Why have I changed my external personality so quickly? One word: fear. Much to my chagrin, I'll pull some valid comments from a philosophical text by... oh dear... I can't actually remember who. Anyway, they say that human beings act the way they do, relate with each other and create moral principles out of pure fear of one another. That's probably the reason I've changed myself, and once again, I don't know why I use words that aren't neccessary, like 'probably'. It's definitely the reason. At least, I guess, I'm not far off enough to not notice it (unlike some people I know). This probably (hell, this one's pretty close to 'definitely') sounds very pretentious of me to even bring up and sounds like I'm trying to better myself with intellectual benefit. Whatever, let's cast that aside. I've changed my personality because I'm afraid of the social aspect of teenage life. I'd bet everything I own that that's the same reason anybody else conforms to the values and principles that they were, at some point, against. My extra excuses and reasoning won't cut it, and, as much as I'd hate to face it, aren't fooling myself. For other teenagers in the same dilemma, I pray that they can take the blindfold off and see what they're really changing for.

Don't end a sentence on a preposition, John!

Oh well, horribly confusing rambling aside, let's get down to the good (and bad) stuff: LOST FINISHES NEXT WEEK. Yes, six years of my life that I've devoted to that show is finally coming to fruition. Only two more episodes (the first of which airs tomorrow) and then it's over. Forever. I'm going to be so sad, I think I'll have to take a day off school (thank GOD with the time difference from America it'll be a Tuesday. Oh, how I hate Tuesdays).

Au revior - until you read my blog again?