Australia Day 2010

Dare I say that the last 8 months of my life have been the most hectic of them all. It's been about that long since I posted an entry, so I'll quickly fill you in.

They FINALLY opened the Dick Smith in Frankston in late April. Since then we've changed management about four times. That's roughly the same amount of times something has happened to piss me off and I've wanted to quit. But since I'm getting good hours, the people there are nice and it's not a difficult job... I'll stick with it until school becomes too hard to balance. Shouldn't be too long now. Thankyou, year 12. ><

Speaking of school, year 11 has possibly been one of the best years, despite the work overload. It was balanced by the joy of going in to H Block every day. H Block has got to be my favourite place to go - I just love everyone there and the memories we make there will last a life time. I'm excited to see this new building they're replacing it with (since H is fair old), although knowing Bayside, it won't be built until after we've graduated.

Not just my surroundings have changed over the last 8 months, but I certainly have changed a heck of a lot too. I think 2009 was my rebellious year where I really changed into letting myself take more risks and trying new things. Some of which I'm not proud of, but I still don't regret. Mistakes are needed to mould you into who you become - as HIMYM states it, there are some mistakes you just have to make.
Another thing that changed me in 2009 is the realization of my sexuality, something I had been denying for two years. In the back of my head I always knew I was gay, but I pushed it away until I couldn't fight it anymore. About half-way through the year I said "ah screw it" and faced facts. By that point everyone pretty much knew anyway. By the way, this doesn't impede my faith at all. I still believe in God and to all those people that think that God disowns homosexuals... sorry, but I have to disagree. Pretty sure God loves everyone.

Just after my birthday I got into a relationship with an amazing guy. It was the best relationship I've ever been in. For anyone who knows me, you'd know that I don't fall for people easily, I never have. But this time something just clicked. Anyway, three months in, I get slapped with the "I'm not ready for this" speech and it's over. Words can't express the rejection I felt. Call it pessimistic or whatever, but it'll take me forever and a half to find anyone I am actually interested in again, if ever. I'm not conventional with my relationships (nor am I really conventional with anything) so finding someone that feels the same is very, very hard for me.
After three weeks, I'm about 90% over it, but there's still that part of me that is incredibly depressed and wants to die. But I'm an optimistic specimen - I know things will turn around for me. It's the 'when' that I'm unclear about.
And for the record, no, I don't think I'm a hopeless teenager with rampant hormones that solely control my brain. Emm jun hinm.

Getting to 2010 now, January has been pretty poor so far. NYE was okay, spending it with good mates at Emily's house, but there were certain things that made the night unenjoyable. In January I also got dumped and I've been spending most of the month anxious about school going back. Don't get me wrong, school is generally a fun place to be, it's mostly the subject chocie thing I'm worried about. It wasn't until yesterday (three days before school goes back) that I finally decided on my final subject. I'm not happy about it, but it'll have to do. The line-up is as follows: Literature, Media, Philosophy and Further Maths. Instead of Maths I was originally doing Psychology but I hated it during "roll-over" last year (the most wasteful two weeks of the year in which they attempt to kick-start students with no textbooks or preparation for year 12 by giving them 10 days of year 12 classes, feeding them information they will lose and/or forget by the time holidays are over) so I dropped it. Geez, I've changed subjects a lot over the past year, haven't I?

Anyway that's my life up until now. Now let's chat instead, talking to myself makes me feel ludacrous. :D Is that how you spell that?

Walk Like An Egyptian!

Sorry, I was listening to that song. Gotta love The Bangles.
and pardon my postage of two blogs in one day. It's so unlike me! But somehow, I'm in the mood, and I just felt the need to.

For my baptism (just over a month ago) Digger and Masonagall gave me this awesome book called Total Devotion, with a little devo in it for every day of the year. If I was the type of person that didn't ahve a problem with defacing books, I'd so have put little notes in it and stuff. (Oh, and I need to get a bookmark.)

Admittedly, I've only read three or four pages of it so far, although Mason gave it to me at school like 2 or 3 weeks ago. For a little while it was in my locker, then my bag, and it's been out into my house for about ten days now. Hey, whenever I realize it's there on the coffee table, I have a read!

Anyway, I read one earlier on today that seemed to stick into my mind. It was called "To Die or to Die". It was about (excuse me if this is way off, this is what I took out of it) how the choices we make affect our involvement in God's plan for us. The thing I love about this book is that it doesn't just spell things out in black and white and expects you to understand it - it gives you Bible verses, it elaborates simply, gives you examples of what teenagers do and stuff (it even givs them names!)

This one featured a kid named Tadd, whose friends were encouraging him to beat up some random "wuss" just cos he could, and for acceptance, although Tadd felt super, super bad about it. And just like a soap, the story LEFT WITH A CLIFFHANGER ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT HE PUNCHED THE GUY. How frustrating.

"Read Mark 8:31-38. What did Jesus say was the toughest thing about following him?" Here's Mark 8:34: Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Allow me to explain what that means just like the book had.

Man, I love this book.

Now in dilemmas like Tadd's you're faced with two choices - One that will give you social acceptance but disappoint God; another that makes you a recluse but hey, God's proud of yah! I believe the point this story was making was - what's the point of picking the wrong path? Either way we die and into God's hands. Jesus had said that anyone devoted to him must imitate him. To "deny yourself and take up the cross". Swap your way, for his way, totally.

And I know, me, picking out those last couple of sentences, kinda of hypocritical, as I'm no Jesus. But hey, I'm getting there! You can't"imitate" him overnight. It's still been a month since my baptism and I feel more religious than ever.

The last sentence in this tale reads, "Daring to stick with jesus sometimes feels like you've been hung up to die. Tough stuff. But Jesus promises that his way leads to life."

70th Blog - An Epiphony

The following blog is all an excerpt from my mind. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Make it mean something to you. Read it slowly and please, please, take everything in to account.

Do not disregard that starter, really think about it all.

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After watching last night's Lost episode, in which Charlie took stock of his life, knowing he was going to die, I've been thinking.

Due to a bizarre turn of events, I am sick in almost every way, and have been for a lot of the week. I just took a long shower, as my showers are always long, and had a really, really deep conversation with myself. I thought, "I've been needing to go to the doctor's. What if I have breast cancer?" Yes, there is something in my breast that is getting me paranoid.

So I had a very long daydream. It was so deep, it was incredibly vivid. My mother and I get told I have cancer and most likely to die soon. How would you respond if you were told you had cancer? So I'm in a hospital bed, and will be for the remainder of my days. The only thing left to keep me company when my family or friends aren't around is a laptop, in which I am writing personal goodbyes and sentimental messages to those I love.

A lot of my messages are of how much those close to me really mean to me. Maddy, Jake, Alana, Sara, David, James, Matt, Katherine, Shezz, Zoe, everyone. They all mean so much to me, yet will only get me to express the words when I am close to death and have nothing more important to think about. Everything imporant in life is taken stock of. I of course have messages to drama, youth group, school, and individually, my family. It's these people I care about most of all. Of course I then pictured my funeral, and how I would be remembered. This daydream was almost a near-death experience, it was that surreal.

I realized, "why think all the bad things when life is so good?" An epiphony struck me, emerging from this daydream. You know those Christian preachers that say that they are officially in the house of the Lord, or go completely off the bat with some major metaphor like that, and it just sounds so stupid that it doesn't sound real? I used to think those people were just being optimistically over-enthusiastic. Not anymore. I now know what it's like to rely on God 100%, and have something so important in your life. I live up to God.

The hardest thing for me to lose in my life would be my faith. I'm not just talking about my faith in Christ, but my faith in freedom. My faith in humanity. Inspiration, willpower, and strength. Each one especially and respectively. Everything that requires faithfullness to be dependant on, I need it my life most of all.

Being a Christian isn't just "Hey, I like to read the Bible. I know this verse off by heart, I art officially a worshipper." That's not what being a Christian is about in the least. Well, not the least, but you see where I'm going with this. Christian characteristics isn't a hobby (reading the Bible, etc.), it's a lifestyle. How you act towards other people, how you think and why you do what you do.

You're having a wild hedonistic time, you let something slip about someone to their face. It's not needed, not even negative thoughts. Unfortunately, thoughts can sometimes be hard to control. Just so long as your thoughts don't affect what you do or how you act, you shouldn't be seen any differently by others. That's what willpower is for. The ability to see yourself through other's eyes is a skill that's needed.

This not making sense? Read that last paragraph very, very slowly.

I now understand why the Bible says to forgive those that do harm to you. Who knows what they are going through, or why they do what they did to you. Attention? Revenge? People don't do bad things for no reason, they just don't. Even subconsciously, they are thinking of some form of motive. If someone is mean to you, forgive them and let it slip.

Life is too short for the negative. You could wake up tomorrow with a tumour in your brain and you'll be dead in a fortnight. Whatever you're doing now on MySpace - is that what you want to be doing, nay, remembered as doing or being after you pass on?

You see typical MySpace girls with their About Me sections kept brief and consise, straight to the point, and with so much pretty much useless information that it's near pointless to read? You realize that an About Me is how you are portrayed - it's a summary of you. Words say a lot. I love people like that anyway, even if how they like to be seen is.. diferent. Heckle, if it weren't for the seventy blogs I've posted here, I'd have deleted my MySpace yonks ago.

Those people that tell themselves they don't hate or remotely dislike someone/anyone are absolutely ludacrious. You can't not be annoyed by someone, or dislike them, it's a compulsory fact of life. Anyone trying to tell themselves otherwise are probably hiding from something - but what? I know this sounds cynical in comparison to everything else I've mentioned, but it needed to be said. Talk to this person. "AH! Denial is all we have!"

To wrap up, I am going to live life more to the fullest. I will try my best to stop being mean, even the little things. I will look at any enemies in a different, more positive light. I will take a negative and turn it in to a positive, and I urge you to do the same.


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If one day I forget any of this, please remind me that I wrote a blog about this.
If this somehow reached to you, read it again. It will make an ever bigger impact.

This thought had certainly made an impact on my life.
Anyone wanting to tear me down for expressing like this - be my guest, because it just doesn't matter. I forgive you already. :)