Last Minute

Why do I keep listening to Kylie Minogue classics this afternoon? I've got Fever written all over me.

I've noticed an alarming trend surrounding me lately. Everybody who is similarly-aged to myself is suddenly snapping into preparation mode: everyone's got 2011 figured out except me. I mean, what the hell am I going to do once I finish year twelve? My guess is sitting around watching Sabrina DVDs and working at Dick Smith until suicide knocks on my door. I mean, ideally, that would be my final choice, but considering I don't really have any plans, I can see that hypothetical scenario becoming a firm and steady reality.

Career? Not a clue. House? Need funds. Employment? We'll see.
I'm going to be eighteen in just over two months now, which frightens me a tad. But of course, I'm also very excited for the new opportunities that arise. I don't like the idea of sorting out my entire future before I'm eighteen. I could manage to get away with it, ALMOST, but VTAC applications close two days before my birthday. Perfect.

For months now I've been kinda hoping that an exciting career possibility will just jump out at me when I'm not really searching for one. That way I'll know it's actually something I'm pumped for, rather than just looking through job guides, saying "that'll do" to myself and applying because I have nothing better. If I'm not taking a course in something that genuinely excites me, then what is the point of doing it? I should probably start listening to others' advice, as I've been constantly hearing "it doesn't work like that" - I'll believe that when I see it. But it'll totally be too late by then. I'm a very last minute sort of person.

100 / 101 - ?

What the hell, Blogspot?
I was really looking forward to my 100th post cos I had been on 99 for a while. I was gonna make my 100th a good one.
Then out of the blue, you decide to bump up my post count by 1 without me even posting anything? AND it hasn't gone away, either. So there goes my milestone. Whatever. I'm over it.
:'(



Okay so I've been thinking about this for quite a while lately. Not that I'm a generally depressing person, but I've had random bouts of, "I seriously want to kill myself" over the course of the past year or so that I quickly get over, then get back under in a few weeks. Of course, I'm like, "I don't have the courage to do that," and alas, I'm still here.
So as I've been walking the streets on my lonesome with my iPod blaring whatever 90s pop songs I resurrect, I think to myself, "What can I do to speed up this death process?"
Oh, I know! I'll put my iPod up even louder and hope that I get hit by a car! Or maybe I could just not put knives back where they belong, or stand to close to the edge of a mighty big fall, or piss off someone with a gun. Then surely it wouldn't be my fault and be written off as suicide, more like a construed 'wrong-place-wrong-time' kind of situation?

But who am I to control destiny? Is destiny even real? Perhaps, perhaps not. Perhaps philosophy time.
I don't necessarily want to kill myself, I mean I do think about it sometimes, cos on the whole, my lfie is pretty unimpressive and crapola. I don't want to be that kid that was labelled as a selfish attention seeker cos he talked about killing himself, then killed himself. I can't have people saying bad things about me when I'm dead.
So I'll change the course of my DD (death destiny, of course!), set up a system of ropes and pulleys and orchestrate my own demise to shift the blame on to someone or something else. That should clear my corpse's conscience.

What am I saying? I am never going to do that.

If I were talented, I'd write songs

Too bad I have next to no talent in the writing realm. Ever since I've been doing poetry in Literature, lyric-writing has crossed my mind, but to save myself the embarrassment, I shan't try.

Speaking of school stuff, I really should be doing a bunch of it right now, but - who cares? I know I won't be saying that come November when exams come around, and I'm very foolish for choosing to disregard it now. I've done nothing tonight but watch Family Guy, Pushing Daisies, 30 Rock, get fish and chips and Facebook. I did a half a page of my Media folio, too. Wow, when you stack the evening's events up together, you can tell my night really was wasted.

Now then, "Why does John need to write songs?" I hear you ask. Well, John is a self-involved little boy whose seldom-updated and backlotted online blog isn't enough self-indulgence and feels that music would help him convey his emotions to a minority of people who care and a majority who don't. I think that as I've matured I can analyze my feelings a little better and figure out what's happening around me more straightforward (there's those Lit classes working for me once more).
I think 'maturing' was a poor word to use there, since I'm just about to delve into the fact that I think I've changed and become less mature lately. I've become more crass, less sensitive, and all-round, more unpleasant. At least, that's how I'd view myself from a third-person standpoint. But why? Why have I changed my external personality so quickly? One word: fear. Much to my chagrin, I'll pull some valid comments from a philosophical text by... oh dear... I can't actually remember who. Anyway, they say that human beings act the way they do, relate with each other and create moral principles out of pure fear of one another. That's probably the reason I've changed myself, and once again, I don't know why I use words that aren't neccessary, like 'probably'. It's definitely the reason. At least, I guess, I'm not far off enough to not notice it (unlike some people I know). This probably (hell, this one's pretty close to 'definitely') sounds very pretentious of me to even bring up and sounds like I'm trying to better myself with intellectual benefit. Whatever, let's cast that aside. I've changed my personality because I'm afraid of the social aspect of teenage life. I'd bet everything I own that that's the same reason anybody else conforms to the values and principles that they were, at some point, against. My extra excuses and reasoning won't cut it, and, as much as I'd hate to face it, aren't fooling myself. For other teenagers in the same dilemma, I pray that they can take the blindfold off and see what they're really changing for.

Don't end a sentence on a preposition, John!

Oh well, horribly confusing rambling aside, let's get down to the good (and bad) stuff: LOST FINISHES NEXT WEEK. Yes, six years of my life that I've devoted to that show is finally coming to fruition. Only two more episodes (the first of which airs tomorrow) and then it's over. Forever. I'm going to be so sad, I think I'll have to take a day off school (thank GOD with the time difference from America it'll be a Tuesday. Oh, how I hate Tuesdays).

Au revior - until you read my blog again?

Australia Day 2010

Dare I say that the last 8 months of my life have been the most hectic of them all. It's been about that long since I posted an entry, so I'll quickly fill you in.

They FINALLY opened the Dick Smith in Frankston in late April. Since then we've changed management about four times. That's roughly the same amount of times something has happened to piss me off and I've wanted to quit. But since I'm getting good hours, the people there are nice and it's not a difficult job... I'll stick with it until school becomes too hard to balance. Shouldn't be too long now. Thankyou, year 12. ><

Speaking of school, year 11 has possibly been one of the best years, despite the work overload. It was balanced by the joy of going in to H Block every day. H Block has got to be my favourite place to go - I just love everyone there and the memories we make there will last a life time. I'm excited to see this new building they're replacing it with (since H is fair old), although knowing Bayside, it won't be built until after we've graduated.

Not just my surroundings have changed over the last 8 months, but I certainly have changed a heck of a lot too. I think 2009 was my rebellious year where I really changed into letting myself take more risks and trying new things. Some of which I'm not proud of, but I still don't regret. Mistakes are needed to mould you into who you become - as HIMYM states it, there are some mistakes you just have to make.
Another thing that changed me in 2009 is the realization of my sexuality, something I had been denying for two years. In the back of my head I always knew I was gay, but I pushed it away until I couldn't fight it anymore. About half-way through the year I said "ah screw it" and faced facts. By that point everyone pretty much knew anyway. By the way, this doesn't impede my faith at all. I still believe in God and to all those people that think that God disowns homosexuals... sorry, but I have to disagree. Pretty sure God loves everyone.

Just after my birthday I got into a relationship with an amazing guy. It was the best relationship I've ever been in. For anyone who knows me, you'd know that I don't fall for people easily, I never have. But this time something just clicked. Anyway, three months in, I get slapped with the "I'm not ready for this" speech and it's over. Words can't express the rejection I felt. Call it pessimistic or whatever, but it'll take me forever and a half to find anyone I am actually interested in again, if ever. I'm not conventional with my relationships (nor am I really conventional with anything) so finding someone that feels the same is very, very hard for me.
After three weeks, I'm about 90% over it, but there's still that part of me that is incredibly depressed and wants to die. But I'm an optimistic specimen - I know things will turn around for me. It's the 'when' that I'm unclear about.
And for the record, no, I don't think I'm a hopeless teenager with rampant hormones that solely control my brain. Emm jun hinm.

Getting to 2010 now, January has been pretty poor so far. NYE was okay, spending it with good mates at Emily's house, but there were certain things that made the night unenjoyable. In January I also got dumped and I've been spending most of the month anxious about school going back. Don't get me wrong, school is generally a fun place to be, it's mostly the subject chocie thing I'm worried about. It wasn't until yesterday (three days before school goes back) that I finally decided on my final subject. I'm not happy about it, but it'll have to do. The line-up is as follows: Literature, Media, Philosophy and Further Maths. Instead of Maths I was originally doing Psychology but I hated it during "roll-over" last year (the most wasteful two weeks of the year in which they attempt to kick-start students with no textbooks or preparation for year 12 by giving them 10 days of year 12 classes, feeding them information they will lose and/or forget by the time holidays are over) so I dropped it. Geez, I've changed subjects a lot over the past year, haven't I?

Anyway that's my life up until now. Now let's chat instead, talking to myself makes me feel ludacrous. :D Is that how you spell that?