Study "Break"

I realize that this time right now could be better utilized by school work, since my exams start on the first of November. Quite frankly, the only subject I've FULLY studied for is Maths, just because it's easy to study for, answering multiple-choice questions and all that. Yet, ironically, it's apparently the subject I'm doing worst in although I feel fairly confident in it. Even did a trial exam for Philosophy last week and didn't do too badly on that! Surprising, I know!

Oh, listen to me talk as if you have the slightest idea what my levels of knowledge are for any subjects that I take. Literature is becoming increasingly scary as the exam draws nearer, and I'm almost positive that all the exam markers up at VCAA are dried-up old lesbians. Hell, the entire class thinks so, even the teacher. The markers are indeed pretty sad to know all 90 texts back to front.

Still, I don't feel the need to study all that much for Media. I've only lost 4 marks on the SACs across the year (oh shucks!) and I hope I dominate the exam in turn. This reflection makes me harken back to my initial "internal division" (curse you, Literature!) as to what I'm going to do next year. I went out to brunch(?) with a mate this morning, and he was asking me what 2011 will bring. I said I want to do nothing. It's been a while since I've admitted that to myself - what with the recent slew of VTAC applications and Uni open days and all, I've been manipulated into thinking I don't have to do anything next year. It was only today that I remembered, 'wait! No I don't! I can do anything I want!'

So suck it, anti-autonomous units. 2011 is my year, I say! I've only been out of school for two days and I'm already feeling like it's completely over!

On that note, so long, class of 2010. I'll miss each and every one of you.

You see, Barbie is a constructed representation.

The school play went great, thanks for asking. Being Elvis is rewarding in the pool of mega-babes department.

So now that it is the start of September, things are rolling into gear. Three more months and I'm done with... everything. In the last week of November, it's the formal. Then after that is the presentation night. And that's it. I'm done. Gone. Goodbye Bayside. I'm going to miss you.

Whatever emotions I'm going to feel late-November are not at all like the ones I am experiencing right now. It's the pre-November feelings, the encumbering, yet frightful feeling of OHMYGOTHIAMSOSTRESSEDOUTRIGHTNOWABOUTPRETTYMUCHANYTHING. Am I over-reacting to everything that's happening to me right now? Or is it that my life IS actually changing to be more dramatic?

Now there are some things going on with myself, with others, between myself and others; things I can discuss freely and things I don't want to write on the internet for fear of who'll read it.
Surprisingly, school is easing up a bit. Cos everything is slowing down before exams begin. SACs are ending, hopefully, and my personal life is instead taking the front seat. When the hell did this happen? I haven't been able to focus on myself since January!


What scares me the most is what I'm going to do come 2011. Am I gonna move out? Am I gonna go to Uni? TAFE? Gap year? Who am I going to keep in contact with? How the fuck am I meant to get my licence with all the shit rules that Vicroads have invented? Is my health going to deteriorate and should I be doing something about it (I eat nothing but junk. Have been for eighteen years)?
Why do I feel so socially inept outside of school? Why do I have to tell people exactly what I think about them? Why am I so gosh darn tactless? Also, where did my moral compass go? I've totally lost it and it depresses me to no end.

I would still, on the whole, like to end my life. But the mere fact that I'm stating this publicly proves that I'm not willing to do it and I want help. Psychologically speaking, this is an SOS. If I really wanted to do it, it'd be done by now.
But since that's not gonna happen, I'll stay in my emotional limbo for now where headaches are perpetual and my bed sheets don't change, and wallow.

Perhaps next year I'll just not do anything and sit in my room watching 30 Rock till I die of natural causes.

Last Minute

Why do I keep listening to Kylie Minogue classics this afternoon? I've got Fever written all over me.

I've noticed an alarming trend surrounding me lately. Everybody who is similarly-aged to myself is suddenly snapping into preparation mode: everyone's got 2011 figured out except me. I mean, what the hell am I going to do once I finish year twelve? My guess is sitting around watching Sabrina DVDs and working at Dick Smith until suicide knocks on my door. I mean, ideally, that would be my final choice, but considering I don't really have any plans, I can see that hypothetical scenario becoming a firm and steady reality.

Career? Not a clue. House? Need funds. Employment? We'll see.
I'm going to be eighteen in just over two months now, which frightens me a tad. But of course, I'm also very excited for the new opportunities that arise. I don't like the idea of sorting out my entire future before I'm eighteen. I could manage to get away with it, ALMOST, but VTAC applications close two days before my birthday. Perfect.

For months now I've been kinda hoping that an exciting career possibility will just jump out at me when I'm not really searching for one. That way I'll know it's actually something I'm pumped for, rather than just looking through job guides, saying "that'll do" to myself and applying because I have nothing better. If I'm not taking a course in something that genuinely excites me, then what is the point of doing it? I should probably start listening to others' advice, as I've been constantly hearing "it doesn't work like that" - I'll believe that when I see it. But it'll totally be too late by then. I'm a very last minute sort of person.

100 / 101 - ?

What the hell, Blogspot?
I was really looking forward to my 100th post cos I had been on 99 for a while. I was gonna make my 100th a good one.
Then out of the blue, you decide to bump up my post count by 1 without me even posting anything? AND it hasn't gone away, either. So there goes my milestone. Whatever. I'm over it.
:'(



Okay so I've been thinking about this for quite a while lately. Not that I'm a generally depressing person, but I've had random bouts of, "I seriously want to kill myself" over the course of the past year or so that I quickly get over, then get back under in a few weeks. Of course, I'm like, "I don't have the courage to do that," and alas, I'm still here.
So as I've been walking the streets on my lonesome with my iPod blaring whatever 90s pop songs I resurrect, I think to myself, "What can I do to speed up this death process?"
Oh, I know! I'll put my iPod up even louder and hope that I get hit by a car! Or maybe I could just not put knives back where they belong, or stand to close to the edge of a mighty big fall, or piss off someone with a gun. Then surely it wouldn't be my fault and be written off as suicide, more like a construed 'wrong-place-wrong-time' kind of situation?

But who am I to control destiny? Is destiny even real? Perhaps, perhaps not. Perhaps philosophy time.
I don't necessarily want to kill myself, I mean I do think about it sometimes, cos on the whole, my lfie is pretty unimpressive and crapola. I don't want to be that kid that was labelled as a selfish attention seeker cos he talked about killing himself, then killed himself. I can't have people saying bad things about me when I'm dead.
So I'll change the course of my DD (death destiny, of course!), set up a system of ropes and pulleys and orchestrate my own demise to shift the blame on to someone or something else. That should clear my corpse's conscience.

What am I saying? I am never going to do that.