The following blog is all an excerpt from my mind. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Make it mean something to you. Read it slowly and please, please, take everything in to account.
Do not disregard that starter, really think about it all.
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After watching last night's Lost episode, in which Charlie took stock of his life, knowing he was going to die, I've been thinking.
Due to a bizarre turn of events, I am sick in almost every way, and have been for a lot of the week. I just took a long shower, as my showers are always long, and had a really, really deep conversation with myself. I thought, "I've been needing to go to the doctor's. What if I have breast cancer?" Yes, there is something in my breast that is getting me paranoid.
So I had a very long daydream. It was so deep, it was incredibly vivid. My mother and I get told I have cancer and most likely to die soon. How would you respond if you were told you had cancer? So I'm in a hospital bed, and will be for the remainder of my days. The only thing left to keep me company when my family or friends aren't around is a laptop, in which I am writing personal goodbyes and sentimental messages to those I love.
A lot of my messages are of how much those close to me really mean to me. Maddy, Jake, Alana, Sara, David, James, Matt, Katherine, Shezz, Zoe, everyone. They all mean so much to me, yet will only get me to express the words when I am close to death and have nothing more important to think about. Everything imporant in life is taken stock of. I of course have messages to drama, youth group, school, and individually, my family. It's these people I care about most of all. Of course I then pictured my funeral, and how I would be remembered. This daydream was almost a near-death experience, it was that surreal.
I realized, "why think all the bad things when life is so good?" An epiphony struck me, emerging from this daydream. You know those Christian preachers that say that they are officially in the house of the Lord, or go completely off the bat with some major metaphor like that, and it just sounds so stupid that it doesn't sound real? I used to think those people were just being optimistically over-enthusiastic. Not anymore. I now know what it's like to rely on God 100%, and have something so important in your life. I live up to God.
The hardest thing for me to lose in my life would be my faith. I'm not just talking about my faith in Christ, but my faith in freedom. My faith in humanity. Inspiration, willpower, and strength. Each one especially and respectively. Everything that requires faithfullness to be dependant on, I need it my life most of all.
Being a Christian isn't just "Hey, I like to read the Bible. I know this verse off by heart, I art officially a worshipper." That's not what being a Christian is about in the least. Well, not the least, but you see where I'm going with this. Christian characteristics isn't a hobby (reading the Bible, etc.), it's a lifestyle. How you act towards other people, how you think and why you do what you do.
You're having a wild hedonistic time, you let something slip about someone to their face. It's not needed, not even negative thoughts. Unfortunately, thoughts can sometimes be hard to control. Just so long as your thoughts don't affect what you do or how you act, you shouldn't be seen any differently by others. That's what willpower is for. The ability to see yourself through other's eyes is a skill that's needed.
This not making sense? Read that last paragraph very, very slowly.
I now understand why the Bible says to forgive those that do harm to you. Who knows what they are going through, or why they do what they did to you. Attention? Revenge? People don't do bad things for no reason, they just don't. Even subconsciously, they are thinking of some form of motive. If someone is mean to you, forgive them and let it slip.
Life is too short for the negative. You could wake up tomorrow with a tumour in your brain and you'll be dead in a fortnight. Whatever you're doing now on MySpace - is that what you want to be doing, nay, remembered as doing or being after you pass on?
You see typical MySpace girls with their About Me sections kept brief and consise, straight to the point, and with so much pretty much useless information that it's near pointless to read? You realize that an About Me is how you are portrayed - it's a summary of you. Words say a lot. I love people like that anyway, even if how they like to be seen is.. diferent. Heckle, if it weren't for the seventy blogs I've posted here, I'd have deleted my MySpace yonks ago.
Those people that tell themselves they don't hate or remotely dislike someone/anyone are absolutely ludacrious. You can't not be annoyed by someone, or dislike them, it's a compulsory fact of life. Anyone trying to tell themselves otherwise are probably hiding from something - but what? I know this sounds cynical in comparison to everything else I've mentioned, but it needed to be said. Talk to this person. "AH! Denial is all we have!"
To wrap up, I am going to live life more to the fullest. I will try my best to stop being mean, even the little things. I will look at any enemies in a different, more positive light. I will take a negative and turn it in to a positive, and I urge you to do the same.
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If one day I forget any of this, please remind me that I wrote a blog about this.
If this somehow reached to you, read it again. It will make an ever bigger impact.
This thought had certainly made an impact on my life.
Anyone wanting to tear me down for expressing like this - be my guest, because it just doesn't matter. I forgive you already. :)
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