Tuesday, 7 December 2010

High School King

I just got labeled Oprah for my way of thinking.

So I've just been thinking about bullies. This is something I haven't had much hands-on experience with, ever, really. I was always a bit of a loser until I got to VCE, but nobody ever bothered to attack me that severely, verbally or physically. Apparently, I am acceptable. Which is surprising given my sexuality, but whatever.

You know in the movies (or maybe in your own life, depending on how boring you really are) when the 10-year-old kid gets home from school with bruises, and his maw-maw says something optimistic like "bullies are just cowards!" or "they're just jealous." Well, after careful deliberation, I've kind of made sense of these obvious products of maternal denial and deduced that there is, in fact, some truth to them.

Against my initial better judgment, I now agree - bullies ARE cowards. The blatant roadblock here is the notion that bullies can't logically be cowards if they go around, risking detention, beating the crap out of kids who are too timid to fight back. Nobody who risks detention could possibly be a coward, right! Wrong. Risking detention ain't what it's all about. The point of bullying boils down to a simple premise: asserting oneself. Arrogantly, at that.

Who needs to assert themselves to a bunch of people who don't like you/are afraid of you? Answer: low self-esteem. You feel so bad about yourself that you turn to bullying to give yourself some worth, because with bullying, you can be king. Now kids, children like these are cowards for the very reason that they can't accept themselves for who they are. People like this are weak and insecure, and they're jealous of the life you have that they don't. But because of this god complex every child under the age of 15 seems to have nowadays, they have a hard time distinguishing between compliments and insults (I blame Facebook. I just do) and regardless, whenever they feel threatened, they attack. Even if you're not threatening them.

Example. Some kid at my school posted a status on Facebook earlier, something along the lines of "me and this guy and that guy have poured our blood, sweat and tears into this." Tactless as I am, though I'd be whimsical and comment "You can get AIDS that way." Now I ask you, is that insulting? No, but it is a little rude, I guess. But like a 16 year old boy is going to care if I politically-incorrectly mention AIDS on his Facebook profile.
He then promptly thought of my message as being a threat, even though it was merely a conversation starter. "Says you" he says, indicating I would be all-knowing about AIDS cos I'm gay, attacking me. He then, cowardly, deleted both posts, hiding from the version of himself in which he could be unacceptable in the eyes of his mates.

Lord knows I hate kids like this. Like, if someone mentions something to you with a shred of negativity in it (cos come on, AIDS ain't a positive thing), it's not a just reason to attack them. Man up and face to yourself that you are a coward, and probably jealous of my ability to start a conversation freely with someone I barely know. I'm sorry - I'm different, so I must be ridiculed. Not that I'm insulted; I just pity the dickhead.

Friday, 12 November 2010

I Am Roz Doyle

So, three exams down, two to go. It's currently the end of the exam-filled roster week in which I had zero exams. ZERO. My last two are on the same day (what's up with that?) on Monday. So yeah, I'll be at school from about 11:30 to 5:30. That's the duration of an entire day of school. I guess it'll be like my final goodbye or something? As if spending 6 hours there is somehow an homage to my old school days? Oh, listen to me jabber "old school days" as if I've been free for years!

Regardless, the Friday after said Monday, which is incidentally one week away from today's Friday, is the school formal. Sure, whatever, that's enough said about that. But then the week after is schoolies! I'll be heading down to Wilson's Prom to chill at the beach for four days with ten of the greatest guys I know. I'm really, really looking forward to it.

Good stuff aside, it's time for the obligatory "bad stuff" section of the blog: still stressing about next year. yeah, it's tiresome, but I pretty much freaked out the other day cos pre-selection kits and stuff were due and I was divided between doing kits for courses I'm not super excited for and not doing them at all in the hopes that what I really want to do will come along. As I have stated in earlier ramblings, I expect some sort of poignant sign that will expose next year's intentions right to my face. "No, it doesn't work that easily!" I hear you say.

But last night I went to the Melbourne Radio School with my hip-cat daddy-o for some open evening they were having. And I must say, ever since I got obsessed with Frasier, I always wanted to produce radio, until I kinda forgot about it, somehow assuming in the back of my mind that to make it in radio you have to live in Seattle. Last night just brought it all back and I thought to myself, "hey, I could do this for a living!" Apparently the pay is fairly decent and it's a very fun job to have, which I don't doubt. Now then, the question is, do I attempt to do a course there and get into a job producing radio? The major problem is: everyone who wants to work in radio has to move to some freakin' deserted regional city to get any exposure, something I haven't the slightest intention of ever doing.

So, here we are, back at the start. Still nothing.
Oh, also, I DIDN'T create those pre-selection kits. Bah! A pox on organization!

Friday, 22 October 2010

Study "Break"

I realize that this time right now could be better utilized by school work, since my exams start on the first of November. Quite frankly, the only subject I've FULLY studied for is Maths, just because it's easy to study for, answering multiple-choice questions and all that. Yet, ironically, it's apparently the subject I'm doing worst in although I feel fairly confident in it. Even did a trial exam for Philosophy last week and didn't do too badly on that! Surprising, I know!

Oh, listen to me talk as if you have the slightest idea what my levels of knowledge are for any subjects that I take. Literature is becoming increasingly scary as the exam draws nearer, and I'm almost positive that all the exam markers up at VCAA are dried-up old lesbians. Hell, the entire class thinks so, even the teacher. The markers are indeed pretty sad to know all 90 texts back to front.

Still, I don't feel the need to study all that much for Media. I've only lost 4 marks on the SACs across the year (oh shucks!) and I hope I dominate the exam in turn. This reflection makes me harken back to my initial "internal division" (curse you, Literature!) as to what I'm going to do next year. I went out to brunch(?) with a mate this morning, and he was asking me what 2011 will bring. I said I want to do nothing. It's been a while since I've admitted that to myself - what with the recent slew of VTAC applications and Uni open days and all, I've been manipulated into thinking I don't have to do anything next year. It was only today that I remembered, 'wait! No I don't! I can do anything I want!'

So suck it, anti-autonomous units. 2011 is my year, I say! I've only been out of school for two days and I'm already feeling like it's completely over!

On that note, so long, class of 2010. I'll miss each and every one of you.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

You see, Barbie is a constructed representation.

The school play went great, thanks for asking. Being Elvis is rewarding in the pool of mega-babes department.

So now that it is the start of September, things are rolling into gear. Three more months and I'm done with... everything. In the last week of November, it's the formal. Then after that is the presentation night. And that's it. I'm done. Gone. Goodbye Bayside. I'm going to miss you.

Whatever emotions I'm going to feel late-November are not at all like the ones I am experiencing right now. It's the pre-November feelings, the encumbering, yet frightful feeling of OHMYGOTHIAMSOSTRESSEDOUTRIGHTNOWABOUTPRETTYMUCHANYTHING. Am I over-reacting to everything that's happening to me right now? Or is it that my life IS actually changing to be more dramatic?

Now there are some things going on with myself, with others, between myself and others; things I can discuss freely and things I don't want to write on the internet for fear of who'll read it.
Surprisingly, school is easing up a bit. Cos everything is slowing down before exams begin. SACs are ending, hopefully, and my personal life is instead taking the front seat. When the hell did this happen? I haven't been able to focus on myself since January!

What scares me the most is what I'm going to do come 2011. Am I gonna move out? Am I gonna go to Uni? TAFE? Gap year? Who am I going to keep in contact with? How the fuck am I meant to get my licence with all the shit rules that Vicroads have invented? Is my health going to deteriorate and should I be doing something about it (I eat nothing but junk. Have been for eighteen years)?
Why do I feel so socially inept outside of school? Why do I have to tell people exactly what I think about them? Why am I so gosh darn tactless? Also, where did my moral compass go? I've totally lost it and it depresses me to no end.

I would still, on the whole, like to end my life. But the mere fact that I'm stating this publicly proves that I'm not willing to do it and I want help. Psychologically speaking, this is an SOS. If I really wanted to do it, it'd be done by now.
But since that's not gonna happen, I'll stay in my emotional limbo for now where headaches are perpetual and my bed sheets don't change, and wallow.

Perhaps next year I'll just not do anything and sit in my room watching 30 Rock till I die of natural causes.