So now that it is the start of September, things are rolling into gear. Three more months and I'm done with... everything. In the last week of November, it's the formal. Then after that is the presentation night. And that's it. I'm done. Gone. Goodbye Bayside. I'm going to miss you.
Whatever emotions I'm going to feel late-November are not at all like the ones I am experiencing right now. It's the pre-November feelings, the encumbering, yet frightful feeling of OHMYGOTHIAMSOSTRESSEDOUTRIGHTNOWABOUTPRETTYMUCHANYTHING. Am I over-reacting to everything that's happening to me right now? Or is it that my life IS actually changing to be more dramatic?
Now there are some things going on with myself, with others, between myself and others; things I can discuss freely and things I don't want to write on the internet for fear of who'll read it.
Surprisingly, school is easing up a bit. Cos everything is slowing down before exams begin. SACs are ending, hopefully, and my personal life is instead taking the front seat. When the hell did this happen? I haven't been able to focus on myself since January!
What scares me the most is what I'm going to do come 2011. Am I gonna move out? Am I gonna go to Uni? TAFE? Gap year? Who am I going to keep in contact with? How the fuck am I meant to get my licence with all the shit rules that Vicroads have invented? Is my health going to deteriorate and should I be doing something about it (I eat nothing but junk. Have been for eighteen years)?
Why do I feel so socially inept outside of school? Why do I have to tell people exactly what I think about them? Why am I so gosh darn tactless? Also, where did my moral compass go? I've totally lost it and it depresses me to no end.
I would still, on the whole, like to end my life. But the mere fact that I'm stating this publicly proves that I'm not willing to do it and I want help. Psychologically speaking, this is an SOS. If I really wanted to do it, it'd be done by now.
But since that's not gonna happen, I'll stay in my emotional limbo for now where headaches are perpetual and my bed sheets don't change, and wallow.
Perhaps next year I'll just not do anything and sit in my room watching 30 Rock till I die of natural causes.
1 comment:
Awww John don't end your life! :(
Almost everything will probably be better after you leave the fascist play-pen we've been in for 13 years! You'll be able to have a career you enjoy, have lots of friends, move out and perhaps even get married to a very sexy man! ;)
If you need someone to talk to, I'm willing to listen. I won't judge for anything, I've been pretty much been through the same shit...
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