High School King

I just got labeled Oprah for my way of thinking.

So I've just been thinking about bullies. This is something I haven't had much hands-on experience with, ever, really. I was always a bit of a loser until I got to VCE, but nobody ever bothered to attack me that severely, verbally or physically. Apparently, I am acceptable. Which is surprising given my sexuality, but whatever.

You know in the movies (or maybe in your own life, depending on how boring you really are) when the 10-year-old kid gets home from school with bruises, and his maw-maw says something optimistic like "bullies are just cowards!" or "they're just jealous." Well, after careful deliberation, I've kind of made sense of these obvious products of maternal denial and deduced that there is, in fact, some truth to them.

Against my initial better judgment, I now agree - bullies ARE cowards. The blatant roadblock here is the notion that bullies can't logically be cowards if they go around, risking detention, beating the crap out of kids who are too timid to fight back. Nobody who risks detention could possibly be a coward, right! Wrong. Risking detention ain't what it's all about. The point of bullying boils down to a simple premise: asserting oneself. Arrogantly, at that.

Who needs to assert themselves to a bunch of people who don't like you/are afraid of you? Answer: low self-esteem. You feel so bad about yourself that you turn to bullying to give yourself some worth, because with bullying, you can be king. Now kids, children like these are cowards for the very reason that they can't accept themselves for who they are. People like this are weak and insecure, and they're jealous of the life you have that they don't. But because of this god complex every child under the age of 15 seems to have nowadays, they have a hard time distinguishing between compliments and insults (I blame Facebook. I just do) and regardless, whenever they feel threatened, they attack. Even if you're not threatening them.


Example. Some kid at my school posted a status on Facebook earlier, something along the lines of "me and this guy and that guy have poured our blood, sweat and tears into this." Tactless as I am, though I'd be whimsical and comment "You can get AIDS that way." Now I ask you, is that insulting? No, but it is a little rude, I guess. But like a 16 year old boy is going to care if I politically-incorrectly mention AIDS on his Facebook profile.
He then promptly thought of my message as being a threat, even though it was merely a conversation starter. "Says you" he says, indicating I would be all-knowing about AIDS cos I'm gay, attacking me. He then, cowardly, deleted both posts, hiding from the version of himself in which he could be unacceptable in the eyes of his mates.

Lord knows I hate kids like this. Like, if someone mentions something to you with a shred of negativity in it (cos come on, AIDS ain't a positive thing), it's not a just reason to attack them. Man up and face to yourself that you are a coward, and probably jealous of my ability to start a conversation freely with someone I barely know. I'm sorry - I'm different, so I must be ridiculed. Not that I'm insulted; I just pity the dickhead.

I Am Roz Doyle

So, three exams down, two to go. It's currently the end of the exam-filled roster week in which I had zero exams. ZERO. My last two are on the same day (what's up with that?) on Monday. So yeah, I'll be at school from about 11:30 to 5:30. That's the duration of an entire day of school. I guess it'll be like my final goodbye or something? As if spending 6 hours there is somehow an homage to my old school days? Oh, listen to me jabber "old school days" as if I've been free for years!

Regardless, the Friday after said Monday, which is incidentally one week away from today's Friday, is the school formal. Sure, whatever, that's enough said about that. But then the week after is schoolies! I'll be heading down to Wilson's Prom to chill at the beach for four days with ten of the greatest guys I know. I'm really, really looking forward to it.

Good stuff aside, it's time for the obligatory "bad stuff" section of the blog: still stressing about next year. yeah, it's tiresome, but I pretty much freaked out the other day cos pre-selection kits and stuff were due and I was divided between doing kits for courses I'm not super excited for and not doing them at all in the hopes that what I really want to do will come along. As I have stated in earlier ramblings, I expect some sort of poignant sign that will expose next year's intentions right to my face. "No, it doesn't work that easily!" I hear you say.

But last night I went to the Melbourne Radio School with my hip-cat daddy-o for some open evening they were having. And I must say, ever since I got obsessed with Frasier, I always wanted to produce radio, until I kinda forgot about it, somehow assuming in the back of my mind that to make it in radio you have to live in Seattle. Last night just brought it all back and I thought to myself, "hey, I could do this for a living!" Apparently the pay is fairly decent and it's a very fun job to have, which I don't doubt. Now then, the question is, do I attempt to do a course there and get into a job producing radio? The major problem is: everyone who wants to work in radio has to move to some freakin' deserted regional city to get any exposure, something I haven't the slightest intention of ever doing.



So, here we are, back at the start. Still nothing.
Oh, also, I DIDN'T create those pre-selection kits. Bah! A pox on organization!

Study "Break"

I realize that this time right now could be better utilized by school work, since my exams start on the first of November. Quite frankly, the only subject I've FULLY studied for is Maths, just because it's easy to study for, answering multiple-choice questions and all that. Yet, ironically, it's apparently the subject I'm doing worst in although I feel fairly confident in it. Even did a trial exam for Philosophy last week and didn't do too badly on that! Surprising, I know!

Oh, listen to me talk as if you have the slightest idea what my levels of knowledge are for any subjects that I take. Literature is becoming increasingly scary as the exam draws nearer, and I'm almost positive that all the exam markers up at VCAA are dried-up old lesbians. Hell, the entire class thinks so, even the teacher. The markers are indeed pretty sad to know all 90 texts back to front.

Still, I don't feel the need to study all that much for Media. I've only lost 4 marks on the SACs across the year (oh shucks!) and I hope I dominate the exam in turn. This reflection makes me harken back to my initial "internal division" (curse you, Literature!) as to what I'm going to do next year. I went out to brunch(?) with a mate this morning, and he was asking me what 2011 will bring. I said I want to do nothing. It's been a while since I've admitted that to myself - what with the recent slew of VTAC applications and Uni open days and all, I've been manipulated into thinking I don't have to do anything next year. It was only today that I remembered, 'wait! No I don't! I can do anything I want!'

So suck it, anti-autonomous units. 2011 is my year, I say! I've only been out of school for two days and I'm already feeling like it's completely over!

On that note, so long, class of 2010. I'll miss each and every one of you.

You see, Barbie is a constructed representation.

The school play went great, thanks for asking. Being Elvis is rewarding in the pool of mega-babes department.

So now that it is the start of September, things are rolling into gear. Three more months and I'm done with... everything. In the last week of November, it's the formal. Then after that is the presentation night. And that's it. I'm done. Gone. Goodbye Bayside. I'm going to miss you.

Whatever emotions I'm going to feel late-November are not at all like the ones I am experiencing right now. It's the pre-November feelings, the encumbering, yet frightful feeling of OHMYGOTHIAMSOSTRESSEDOUTRIGHTNOWABOUTPRETTYMUCHANYTHING. Am I over-reacting to everything that's happening to me right now? Or is it that my life IS actually changing to be more dramatic?

Now there are some things going on with myself, with others, between myself and others; things I can discuss freely and things I don't want to write on the internet for fear of who'll read it.
Surprisingly, school is easing up a bit. Cos everything is slowing down before exams begin. SACs are ending, hopefully, and my personal life is instead taking the front seat. When the hell did this happen? I haven't been able to focus on myself since January!


What scares me the most is what I'm going to do come 2011. Am I gonna move out? Am I gonna go to Uni? TAFE? Gap year? Who am I going to keep in contact with? How the fuck am I meant to get my licence with all the shit rules that Vicroads have invented? Is my health going to deteriorate and should I be doing something about it (I eat nothing but junk. Have been for eighteen years)?
Why do I feel so socially inept outside of school? Why do I have to tell people exactly what I think about them? Why am I so gosh darn tactless? Also, where did my moral compass go? I've totally lost it and it depresses me to no end.

I would still, on the whole, like to end my life. But the mere fact that I'm stating this publicly proves that I'm not willing to do it and I want help. Psychologically speaking, this is an SOS. If I really wanted to do it, it'd be done by now.
But since that's not gonna happen, I'll stay in my emotional limbo for now where headaches are perpetual and my bed sheets don't change, and wallow.

Perhaps next year I'll just not do anything and sit in my room watching 30 Rock till I die of natural causes.

Last Minute

Why do I keep listening to Kylie Minogue classics this afternoon? I've got Fever written all over me.

I've noticed an alarming trend surrounding me lately. Everybody who is similarly-aged to myself is suddenly snapping into preparation mode: everyone's got 2011 figured out except me. I mean, what the hell am I going to do once I finish year twelve? My guess is sitting around watching Sabrina DVDs and working at Dick Smith until suicide knocks on my door. I mean, ideally, that would be my final choice, but considering I don't really have any plans, I can see that hypothetical scenario becoming a firm and steady reality.

Career? Not a clue. House? Need funds. Employment? We'll see.
I'm going to be eighteen in just over two months now, which frightens me a tad. But of course, I'm also very excited for the new opportunities that arise. I don't like the idea of sorting out my entire future before I'm eighteen. I could manage to get away with it, ALMOST, but VTAC applications close two days before my birthday. Perfect.

For months now I've been kinda hoping that an exciting career possibility will just jump out at me when I'm not really searching for one. That way I'll know it's actually something I'm pumped for, rather than just looking through job guides, saying "that'll do" to myself and applying because I have nothing better. If I'm not taking a course in something that genuinely excites me, then what is the point of doing it? I should probably start listening to others' advice, as I've been constantly hearing "it doesn't work like that" - I'll believe that when I see it. But it'll totally be too late by then. I'm a very last minute sort of person.

100 / 101 - ?

What the hell, Blogspot?
I was really looking forward to my 100th post cos I had been on 99 for a while. I was gonna make my 100th a good one.
Then out of the blue, you decide to bump up my post count by 1 without me even posting anything? AND it hasn't gone away, either. So there goes my milestone. Whatever. I'm over it.
:'(



Okay so I've been thinking about this for quite a while lately. Not that I'm a generally depressing person, but I've had random bouts of, "I seriously want to kill myself" over the course of the past year or so that I quickly get over, then get back under in a few weeks. Of course, I'm like, "I don't have the courage to do that," and alas, I'm still here.
So as I've been walking the streets on my lonesome with my iPod blaring whatever 90s pop songs I resurrect, I think to myself, "What can I do to speed up this death process?"
Oh, I know! I'll put my iPod up even louder and hope that I get hit by a car! Or maybe I could just not put knives back where they belong, or stand to close to the edge of a mighty big fall, or piss off someone with a gun. Then surely it wouldn't be my fault and be written off as suicide, more like a construed 'wrong-place-wrong-time' kind of situation?

But who am I to control destiny? Is destiny even real? Perhaps, perhaps not. Perhaps philosophy time.
I don't necessarily want to kill myself, I mean I do think about it sometimes, cos on the whole, my lfie is pretty unimpressive and crapola. I don't want to be that kid that was labelled as a selfish attention seeker cos he talked about killing himself, then killed himself. I can't have people saying bad things about me when I'm dead.
So I'll change the course of my DD (death destiny, of course!), set up a system of ropes and pulleys and orchestrate my own demise to shift the blame on to someone or something else. That should clear my corpse's conscience.

What am I saying? I am never going to do that.

If I were talented, I'd write songs

Too bad I have next to no talent in the writing realm. Ever since I've been doing poetry in Literature, lyric-writing has crossed my mind, but to save myself the embarrassment, I shan't try.

Speaking of school stuff, I really should be doing a bunch of it right now, but - who cares? I know I won't be saying that come November when exams come around, and I'm very foolish for choosing to disregard it now. I've done nothing tonight but watch Family Guy, Pushing Daisies, 30 Rock, get fish and chips and Facebook. I did a half a page of my Media folio, too. Wow, when you stack the evening's events up together, you can tell my night really was wasted.

Now then, "Why does John need to write songs?" I hear you ask. Well, John is a self-involved little boy whose seldom-updated and backlotted online blog isn't enough self-indulgence and feels that music would help him convey his emotions to a minority of people who care and a majority who don't. I think that as I've matured I can analyze my feelings a little better and figure out what's happening around me more straightforward (there's those Lit classes working for me once more).
I think 'maturing' was a poor word to use there, since I'm just about to delve into the fact that I think I've changed and become less mature lately. I've become more crass, less sensitive, and all-round, more unpleasant. At least, that's how I'd view myself from a third-person standpoint. But why? Why have I changed my external personality so quickly? One word: fear. Much to my chagrin, I'll pull some valid comments from a philosophical text by... oh dear... I can't actually remember who. Anyway, they say that human beings act the way they do, relate with each other and create moral principles out of pure fear of one another. That's probably the reason I've changed myself, and once again, I don't know why I use words that aren't neccessary, like 'probably'. It's definitely the reason. At least, I guess, I'm not far off enough to not notice it (unlike some people I know). This probably (hell, this one's pretty close to 'definitely') sounds very pretentious of me to even bring up and sounds like I'm trying to better myself with intellectual benefit. Whatever, let's cast that aside. I've changed my personality because I'm afraid of the social aspect of teenage life. I'd bet everything I own that that's the same reason anybody else conforms to the values and principles that they were, at some point, against. My extra excuses and reasoning won't cut it, and, as much as I'd hate to face it, aren't fooling myself. For other teenagers in the same dilemma, I pray that they can take the blindfold off and see what they're really changing for.

Don't end a sentence on a preposition, John!

Oh well, horribly confusing rambling aside, let's get down to the good (and bad) stuff: LOST FINISHES NEXT WEEK. Yes, six years of my life that I've devoted to that show is finally coming to fruition. Only two more episodes (the first of which airs tomorrow) and then it's over. Forever. I'm going to be so sad, I think I'll have to take a day off school (thank GOD with the time difference from America it'll be a Tuesday. Oh, how I hate Tuesdays).

Au revior - until you read my blog again?

Australia Day 2010

Dare I say that the last 8 months of my life have been the most hectic of them all. It's been about that long since I posted an entry, so I'll quickly fill you in.

They FINALLY opened the Dick Smith in Frankston in late April. Since then we've changed management about four times. That's roughly the same amount of times something has happened to piss me off and I've wanted to quit. But since I'm getting good hours, the people there are nice and it's not a difficult job... I'll stick with it until school becomes too hard to balance. Shouldn't be too long now. Thankyou, year 12. ><

Speaking of school, year 11 has possibly been one of the best years, despite the work overload. It was balanced by the joy of going in to H Block every day. H Block has got to be my favourite place to go - I just love everyone there and the memories we make there will last a life time. I'm excited to see this new building they're replacing it with (since H is fair old), although knowing Bayside, it won't be built until after we've graduated.

Not just my surroundings have changed over the last 8 months, but I certainly have changed a heck of a lot too. I think 2009 was my rebellious year where I really changed into letting myself take more risks and trying new things. Some of which I'm not proud of, but I still don't regret. Mistakes are needed to mould you into who you become - as HIMYM states it, there are some mistakes you just have to make.
Another thing that changed me in 2009 is the realization of my sexuality, something I had been denying for two years. In the back of my head I always knew I was gay, but I pushed it away until I couldn't fight it anymore. About half-way through the year I said "ah screw it" and faced facts. By that point everyone pretty much knew anyway. By the way, this doesn't impede my faith at all. I still believe in God and to all those people that think that God disowns homosexuals... sorry, but I have to disagree. Pretty sure God loves everyone.

Just after my birthday I got into a relationship with an amazing guy. It was the best relationship I've ever been in. For anyone who knows me, you'd know that I don't fall for people easily, I never have. But this time something just clicked. Anyway, three months in, I get slapped with the "I'm not ready for this" speech and it's over. Words can't express the rejection I felt. Call it pessimistic or whatever, but it'll take me forever and a half to find anyone I am actually interested in again, if ever. I'm not conventional with my relationships (nor am I really conventional with anything) so finding someone that feels the same is very, very hard for me.
After three weeks, I'm about 90% over it, but there's still that part of me that is incredibly depressed and wants to die. But I'm an optimistic specimen - I know things will turn around for me. It's the 'when' that I'm unclear about.
And for the record, no, I don't think I'm a hopeless teenager with rampant hormones that solely control my brain. Emm jun hinm.

Getting to 2010 now, January has been pretty poor so far. NYE was okay, spending it with good mates at Emily's house, but there were certain things that made the night unenjoyable. In January I also got dumped and I've been spending most of the month anxious about school going back. Don't get me wrong, school is generally a fun place to be, it's mostly the subject chocie thing I'm worried about. It wasn't until yesterday (three days before school goes back) that I finally decided on my final subject. I'm not happy about it, but it'll have to do. The line-up is as follows: Literature, Media, Philosophy and Further Maths. Instead of Maths I was originally doing Psychology but I hated it during "roll-over" last year (the most wasteful two weeks of the year in which they attempt to kick-start students with no textbooks or preparation for year 12 by giving them 10 days of year 12 classes, feeding them information they will lose and/or forget by the time holidays are over) so I dropped it. Geez, I've changed subjects a lot over the past year, haven't I?

Anyway that's my life up until now. Now let's chat instead, talking to myself makes me feel ludacrous. :D Is that how you spell that?